Since I retired from full-time ministry earlier this year, I've had a lot of time to reminisce over the last 40 years. When the phone calls, counseling and praying with pastors in my office suddenly ceased, I found myself in an awkward position. For all of these years, time for solitude and prayer was difficult to find on a regular basis, and to be honest, so much administrative work caused me to believe that I was no longer fulfilling my destiny. Allow me to explain what I mean by "fulfilling my destiny."
In the early years of ministry I voraciously consumed the Word of God, reading the Bible from cover-to-cover as I was finishing college and working on my Master's degree and then my Doctorate. Now, don't get me wrong here, I didn't stop reading the Bible, but most of my personal devotions were interrupted by incessant phone calls and crises, leading to the tyranny of the urgent. As time went on, denominational responsibilities brought me to the point of feeling overwhelmed and I was haunted by the thought that I spent the last 40 years working for the system and not the Lord Jesus Christ. Now, I know there are those who would say the two are the same, but from my perspective, they are as different as night and day.
When you get to this point, faith can turn into cynicism and your joy turns into depression. I didn't dare say anything about the anxiety or the pressure for fear I would lose my job and I felt like there was no one I could talk with openly and honestly. After leaving the U.S. Army, I was diagnosed with PTSD, so follow-up appointments required my doctor to spend time talking through my military service which haunted me even in my sleep. As long as I was awake I began to feel like I couldn't trust anyone but my family. When sleep did come, I was restless as my dreams took me back to the most fearful moments in my life. I guess in a way, this was a pressure relief valve, although my wife would wake me from night terrors, finding me sitting in the corner of the closet and screaming, or hiding under the bed. When I gained enough trust to speak to one of my peers, Dr. Don Knoblich, I was not disappointed because while he is a Bishop in my denomination, he is also a licensed psychologist. However, after my conversations with Don, I decided to tell another peer who outright rejected me and claimed if I had enough faith this wouldn't happen. This peer had never served in the military so I just chalked it up to his not understanding the horrors until he began to share it with others. This caused me to stop talking to anyone but my VA doctor. When you come to the point that you can trust no one, the isolation only makes it worse.
As the pressures of the administrative work mounted, I had both knees replaced and out of the blue I was diagnosed with stage four metastatic cancer. It seemed as if everything was collapsing around me and I didn't think anyone would understand, so I suffered in silence.
Then, I remembered the God of my childhood. He did not change, I did. Like the old story of a husband and wife of 50 years were driving to visit their children, the wife looked to her husband and said "honey, do you remember how we would ride with me snuggled up to you?" The husband looked at his wife and said, "I'm still sitting where I've sat for 50 years, I didn't change, you did." You see, God didn't change, I did.
At one point or another in my past 40 years, the gifts of the Spirit have operated in my life, although they were fewer and far between than they once were, God had not changed and the Holy Spirit continued to call me closer. I realized that I am the one who changed. Did I ever lose my faith? No, I know that I have the gift of eternal life because of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ.
I've lost trust in people, but my trust in God is increasing every day. Now, I have the time to meditate, read my bible and pray without interruption. While some may believe this article is a pity party, it is not, it is a feeble attempt to be transparent and offer hope to others who may be struggling in silence. Remember, God loves you with an everlasting love and He never takes His eyes off you.